Mari, by Philip Dawkins

MARI. (trans woman, trans feminine) I knew it as soon as Miss Hansen say, “boys on this side the gym, girls on that side,” and I knew that Eddie would be like, “Mari, you go on the boy side, cuz you a dyke!“ WHICH IS STUPID because dyke means lesbians and lesbians are girls not boys! And, I’m just like trying to ignore him. But then Miss Hansen’s like, “That is inappropriate, Eddie” and like “You cannot say that about people,” and I’m like “please shut up, please stop calling this attention to me–” And like everybody is looking at me.

So I pushed him down. To make it be over. You know? I didn’t want to hurt him. Ohmygod, if I wanted to hurt him, he would be hurt.

But then Eddie starts crying, and everyone’s staring at me, and, and I can hear what they’re thinking. But that’s not me!

So why’s everyone keep pointing at me and call me boy names and, like—? I don’t even look at people no more because I’m too scared they’ll see it and they’ll know. I don’t want to be picked on or picked OUT or picked for anything. Just leave me alone!

[She tries very hard not to cry. Looking into her lap, unable to make eye contact any more, through the end of her speech.]

So, that’s why I pushed him. To make it be over. So can I please just get in trouble so then it’s just—it’s over? I just want it to be over. Please, please make it be over. Please.

Context:  Mari is a 12-year-old Puerto Rican kid who was assigned a male gender at birth. She speaks now to her principal, after being sent to her office for pushing another kid during P.E.

More information: If you have questions about this monologue, please reach out Philip directly at philipdawkins (at) gmail (dot) com


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