FUCK BUDDY: THE MONOLOGUE by Asher Wyndham

20 SOMETHING, any gender, race or body type. Heavily dressed for a winter storm: big hat with pom-pom or a trapper’s hat (the one with the flaps), mittens (not gloves),scarf, big boots, big coat.
Sniffles throughout.
 
Place: A cold apartment of a recent fuck-buddy.
 
Time: A brutal winter night.
 
20 SOMETHING.
Answer this one question.
After weeks of ghosting, why text me,
        (Looking at smartphone)
“come over watch some stupid cat videos on YouTube”?
Why?
(Imitating the other person:)
“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
Why ghost me?
Don’t know?
Don’t give me “I was busy, uhh, community college stuff.”
Don’t tell me again “I’m reading some David Foster Wallace, really.”
No one finishes David Foster Wallace!
You rhino ­horny?
Orrr is there another reason?
Yes, I’m hot—even in the dead of winter, even in this—
                        (Meaning the entire winter getup.)
But you can get hot from your smartphone while taking a dump.
—Why do you want me in this cold room again?
Hunh, lazy eyes?
Do you wanna have some rough sex to see if there’s…not love…a, a “Deep Emotional Connection”?
Or…?
—ZIP IT!—I’M TALKING!
Do you wanna cuddle after screwing, compare childhoods, traumas, student debt, what what what!?
—Paws off, don’t touch, gimme…
                        (“a moment.”)
I…I wanna bang you, I do, over and over again in your pathetic futon until my head falls off—don’t touch.
…I miss your nipples…and the scaly, dry skin on your elbows…and your Fruit Loops breath…your atrocious IKEA furniture…        
                        (STOMPING.)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
WHY DO YOU WANT ME HERE!?
Is it because you’re tired of being lonely…just like me?
You’re the worst fuck buddy!
(Takes off and slams one mitten.)
—Shut up, you always talk too much.
(The other mitten. And then unzips coat.)
Take off your slippers, noww.
You know I hate it when you wear ’em in bed.
(Untangles scarf.)
You know what’s happening, so take off the Big Foot slippers.
(Takes scarf off.)
We’re having hate sex—
(Slaps the floor with the scarf as if it was a whip.)
I’m going to give you the best hate sex, ever.
(Takes a bottle of lube from the winter coat pocket.)
Butter up.
                        (Tosses the lube.
                        Then tries to remove a boot which is quite difficult to get off, during:)
In the morning I’m not making you scrambled eggs, you are.
I’d like also veggie-­fruit-­mix with chia seeds, please.
Can you get off your dino ass, please, and help me with these boots?
                        (Still trying to get those boots off. End of monologue.)

More information: Please email the playwright if you use this piece for an audition: asherwyndham(at)yahoo(dot)com

Check out his plays on New Play Exchange: https://newplayexchange.org/users/3039/asher-wyndham

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