If I Were A Cis Man, a parody by Sandy Sahar Gooen

In 2019, The Non-Binary Monologues Project wants to expand our offerings to include scenes and musical theatre selections. If you have submissions in either of these categories, please send them our way!

Here are the lyrics and video of Sandy Sahar Gooen’s edit of “If I Were a Rich Man,” from Fiddler on the Roof. Enjoy!

If I were a cis man
(Insert yeshivish riffing)
All day long I’d ——
Were I a cisgender man

Wouldn’t have to work hard
To try to pass or live or even hide which school that I am from
If I had a Y instead of X biddy biddy biddy chromosome

I’d take up space but wait don’t worry not too much just more than currently I can. You know, that thing called actual self esteem. As things are now it’s not like I can really do much cept wait to be seen as a real man. Just being accepted is the dream.

I would go out at night
Not worry about safety
Why would I bother with all that
Since I’d be much closer to 6 feet tall
No one would ask me “when are you having kids” “when are you getting a dick” and other very personal things that they don’t deserve to know. I don’t care for that shit at all- oy.

CHORUS

If I were Cis I’d have the privilege I lack to go to ANY synagogue and pray. And not be scared of judgment—- how great is this?
I’d like to add that I’d still count for a minyan if I were Cis but still completely gay. So long as I had you know- a bris.

The most important men in town wouldn’t talk down to me. They would actually respect me. Just like any other guy
They’d say shalom Sahar
What do you think sandy
Instead of sitting blankly there, rolling their eyes
(Chazanut/yeshivish riffing)
And it won’t make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong
When you’re Cis they think you really know.

I would be able to use my voice for the better to stop toxic masculinity and uplift all my siblings, big and small.
I would be heard and make sure others were listened to other than just guys like me… that would be the sweetest thing of all. Oy.

Chorus

Lord who made the world in just six days
You made me stick out from theatre gays
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan
Were I a halakhic man!

 

 

 

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Donating is easy. >>Visit this link. Make sure to mention The Non-Binary Monologues Project in the notes section of the form, and you’re all set!

FUCK BUDDY: THE MONOLOGUE by Asher Wyndham

20 SOMETHING, any gender, race or body type. Heavily dressed for a winter storm: big hat with pom-pom or a trapper’s hat (the one with the flaps), mittens (not gloves),scarf, big boots, big coat.
Sniffles throughout.
 
Place: A cold apartment of a recent fuck-buddy.
 
Time: A brutal winter night.
 
20 SOMETHING.
Answer this one question.
After weeks of ghosting, why text me,
        (Looking at smartphone)
“come over watch some stupid cat videos on YouTube”?
Why?
(Imitating the other person:)
“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
Why ghost me?
Don’t know?
Don’t give me “I was busy, uhh, community college stuff.”
Don’t tell me again “I’m reading some David Foster Wallace, really.”
No one finishes David Foster Wallace!
You rhino ­horny?
Orrr is there another reason?
Yes, I’m hot—even in the dead of winter, even in this—
                        (Meaning the entire winter getup.)
But you can get hot from your smartphone while taking a dump.
—Why do you want me in this cold room again?
Hunh, lazy eyes?
Do you wanna have some rough sex to see if there’s…not love…a, a “Deep Emotional Connection”?
Or…?
—ZIP IT!—I’M TALKING!
Do you wanna cuddle after screwing, compare childhoods, traumas, student debt, what what what!?
—Paws off, don’t touch, gimme…
                        (“a moment.”)
I…I wanna bang you, I do, over and over again in your pathetic futon until my head falls off—don’t touch.
…I miss your nipples…and the scaly, dry skin on your elbows…and your Fruit Loops breath…your atrocious IKEA furniture…        
                        (STOMPING.)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
WHY DO YOU WANT ME HERE!?
Is it because you’re tired of being lonely…just like me?
You’re the worst fuck buddy!
(Takes off and slams one mitten.)
—Shut up, you always talk too much.
(The other mitten. And then unzips coat.)
Take off your slippers, noww.
You know I hate it when you wear ’em in bed.
(Untangles scarf.)
You know what’s happening, so take off the Big Foot slippers.
(Takes scarf off.)
We’re having hate sex—
(Slaps the floor with the scarf as if it was a whip.)
I’m going to give you the best hate sex, ever.
(Takes a bottle of lube from the winter coat pocket.)
Butter up.
                        (Tosses the lube.
                        Then tries to remove a boot which is quite difficult to get off, during:)
In the morning I’m not making you scrambled eggs, you are.
I’d like also veggie-­fruit-­mix with chia seeds, please.
Can you get off your dino ass, please, and help me with these boots?
                        (Still trying to get those boots off. End of monologue.)

More information: Please email the playwright if you use this piece for an audition: asherwyndham(at)yahoo(dot)com

Check out his plays on New Play Exchange: https://newplayexchange.org/users/3039/asher-wyndham

Donate! Your donations keep The Non-Binary Monologues Project going. We are pleased to announce that we have been selected as an Incubated Artist through Headlong. This means that your donations are now tax-deductible!

Donating is easy. >>Visit this link. Make sure to mention The Non-Binary Monologues Project in the notes section of the form, and you’re all set!

Alex, from The 1st Annual Head-Shaving Olympics, by Sam Mauceri

ALEX. (they/them) Um, body-wise I don’t really feel any dysphoria. I mean, every now and then I’ll feel this weird separation from specific parts of my body, but usually I’m just more frustrated with how the rest of the world interprets my body. Like, the social aspect of it is where I feel dysphoria. I feel not like myself almost every time I’m “maam’ed” or “Miss’ed”. Every time a dude shouts at me on the street, because I know he’s harassing me because he thinks I’m a lady. Every time I’m in the doctor’s office and they call me by my full birth name, because I haven’t had the energy to change it. Every time I resign myself to not looking harder for a gender neutral bathroom. Every time I’m walking around and existing and knowing what people think they’re seeing, but knowing that they’re wrong, but also knowing that there’s no good way to tell them.

Context: This monologue is from the 20-minute comedy The 1st Annual Head-Shaving Olympics. Alex is a non-binary person who is comfortable with their femininity, but sick of being misgendered as a woman. In an attempt to become more visible, they decide to shave their head and imagine themself training for the Head-Shaving Olympics. In this monologue, Alex is at the Non-Binary Qualifiers, trying to convince the judges that they are non-binary enough.

More information: 
New Play Exchange: https://newplayexchange.org/users/16881/sam-mauceri

Donate! Your donations keep The Non-Binary Monologues Project going. We are pleased to announce that we have been selected as an Incubated Artist through Headlong. This means that your donations are now tax-deductible!

Donating is easy. >>Visit this link. Make sure to mention The Non-Binary Monologues Project in the notes section of the form, and you’re all set!

Pasquale, from Couples Costume, by Sam Mauceri

PASQUALE (they/them). If you don’t end this relationship now, you’re going to get trapped in the Holiday Barricade. Think about it. Right now it’s October and you’re committed to a couples costume. Once the planning happens, there’s no way to bust out of that one without looking like a complete jerkwad. Think you’re free after that? Nope! Then it’s Thanksgiving, when you’ll have to meet the parents. Next is Christmas-slash-Hanukkah-slash-Kwanzaa. You’re going to buy each other gifts and you have no way of knowing if they’ve already gotten you a gift so you CAN’T break up. Then it’s New Year’s Eve and who have you made plans to smooch when the ball drops? Dominique. Next you run up against Valentine’s Day which has the same gift conundrum as your preferred winter holiday. There is simply no way out before that one. It’s either now or February 15th.

Context: This monologue is from the 10-minute comedy Couples Costume, which features 4 non-binary teenage characters. Pasquale is trying to help their friend Charlie rally the courage to end their relationship with Dominique.
More information: 

Donate! Your donations keep The Non-Binary Monologues Project going. We are pleased to announce that we have been selected as an Incubated Artist through Headlong. This means that your donations are now tax-deductible!

Donating is easy. >>Visit this link. Make sure to mention The Non-Binary Monologues Project in the notes section of the form, and you’re all set!