Lazarus, from HATE HATE LOVE LOVE, by Grace Carmack

L. I woke up angry today
So angry
And I don’t think there’s a reason
But I’m pretty sure it has something to do with you
Like maybe I had a dream about you
Or maybe it has to do with you constantly borrowing my clothes
Because that definitely pisses me off
But not necessarily right now so maybe that’s not it
I’m going to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what this anger is all about because it feels so big
Like it has always existed and it always will
But you know me
I can’t stay angry
So no matter what I’ll be sorry about this later
And beg for forgiveness
And you’ll forgive me
Because you are good
And stupid
And you love me
And I’m pretty sure I love you
I definitely do
But not at this moment
Because I can’t love anything
Please don’t touch me
I am fragile
And you have heavy hands
That smash
And tear
And no I don’t want you to hold me
No I don’t want to be kissed
I want you to turn your fists on yourself
Until I can finally stand alone
And get some fucking peace and quiet
I feel better now

Context: Lazarus tries desperately to gain control of their emotional dysregulation as they prepare for the impending air guitar competition that they signed up for in an attempt to gain control of their life.

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