Cookie, from Are You Now or Have You Ever Been a Pirate? by Ben Kemper

COOKIE. No! No this is too much! I will not challenge you to duel, Captain. Not even with a cardboard-tinfoil-whatever cutlass. I get we’re supposed to be, you know, fierce and buccaneer-ey, but I didn’t sign up to be a pirate to fight people. Do you know what happens when people fight, Captain? They get hurt. And since I’ve already lost a leg, a hand, and an eye at various points on this adventure I’m going to sit this one out. This isn’t what you promised. You said that pirates were free, that they could choose whatever they want to be. But I feel like you’re just making us what you want to be. So, I’m going back in the galley and making ship’s biscuit because that’s how this pirate pirates and I’m not going to fight anybody. Except at a thumb war. I am an expert thumb warrior.

Context: A group of friends cast themselves as pirates, seeking to throw off the chaffing rules and niceties and live wild and free. “The Captain” puts together a crew of First Mate, Lookout, Cookie, and Parrot and leads them on a quest for plunder and buried treasure, all while being consumed by Sir Nicky Pick who seeks to crush the wily band and impose order on the neighborhood.

This monologue comes at the point when the rest of the crew is weary of the Captain calling the shots and forcing them into even wilder, more dangerous stunts. Cookie, a pacifist, who has “lost” various appendages at the Captain’s command, refuses an order to duel with her.

More information: Please contact the playwright at benkemperstoryteller (at) gmail (dot) com.

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